Guilt...I'm the queen of it, and it has been hitting me particularly hard since Eleri's birth. If you regularly read my blog you may have read some similar posts. But God has really been dealing with me on this one. I've realized that having this guilt...this stronghold...is a serious sin in my life. I remember someone once said that "conviction is from God and guilt is from Satan." I want to be aware of what God is convicted me of and change, but I also heap on a TON of guilt on top of myself and some times that guilt can become debilitating. Confession is part of dealing with my sin...so I guess this is me venting but at the same time confessing and at the same time, maybe, giving encouragement or at least allowing others to know they aren't alone in these feelings...unless of course I'm the only one that feels like this!:) So what is some of my guilt? Well, leaving the girls in the nursery is one of them. My motives and intentions are perfectly good, I think, but still a stronghold. God told me to be a stay at home mom and so I want to give 100%, I know that this is a short season and I'm committed to giving all that I have for those very few years that I have the girls solely at home. So, I don't want to spend every day placing them in the nursery at church so that I can have some me time. There is nothing wrong with that and I have plenty, okay all, my friends that love and cherish and need that time. I feel differently. It leaves me feeling guilty and sometimes sick that I'm not doing my job. Which, when I examine it, means that I'm placing all responsibility upon myself for raising these girls. Yes, it is my job and I am responsible, but God is the one who will work in my girls and through me. By clinging so tightly to them, I'm actually exercising a form of pride...thinking I'm the only one that can give my girls what they need. Uugh! I could cry! Isn't it true though? Aren't I their mother? This is just what God is dealing with me on right now! And, my absolutely best friend was used in part of this process of conviction! I love Carrie because she tells me the truth, even when it isn't easy!:) Carrie helped me to see that sometimes we parent our children with our fears...so I'm afraid of my children being rejected by me so that is part of my issues with leaving them in the nursery, I don't want them to feel rejected!
I also feel guilt about not giving a 100% to Mali. Nearly every night I could lie in bed upset that I didn't read a single book to Mali or I told her "just a minute" too many times during the day. I also feel a ton of guilt that I'm constantly multi tasking with Eleri. I spent so much one on one time with Mali as a baby, but rarely give that to Eleri. I feel so much guilt about this and worry about our bonding because of it! I also feel guilty that I don't pray for Eleri like I did for Mali. Only time will tell though, and I imagine there will not be a perceivable difference in the girls as they get older.
I also feel guilt about: the piles of papers that need to be filed, that I forget a million things a day, that I'm not the best wife, that I forget about my friends, that I forget to pray for my friends, that I leave the girls to work an hour a day, that I don't always pick up Eleri when she cries when I'm working, that my brain is mush about 110% of the time, that I have debt....so the list could go on! BUT HERE IS THE TRUTH....
God has been showing me scripture and reassuring me with truth.
Through BSF:
Do I have this need that I have to be everything to everyone? This is NOT biblical thinking. I'm not called to do everything, but I am called to do specific things.
God's opinion of us is really all that matters, because at any given time you will either be thinking too little or too highly of yourself.
Knowing the truth about yourself is knowing who you are and who you are not. (I'm keeping a list of WHO I AM and WHO I AM NOT as I come across scripture with those truths).
Our deepest need is not to be on top politically to have everything we want, or to be free from hardships. Our need is to be cleansed by God.
Scripture:
Romans 8:1 Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus
John 1:12 Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God
2 Corinthians 4:7 But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us
Okay, well its not as well shared as I had anticipated as this has been building in my head, but its out there, and the girls are up!:)
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Moving on up
This weekend I moved Eleri out of her infant carrier to a big girl car seat! I can't believe it is already that time. It has already had some negative consequences, primarily that if she falls asleep taking Mali to preschool I have to get her out of her carseat resulting in waking her up. But what can I do? Such is the life of a second born!
Here is a last picture of her in her carrier! She always held on to the sides like this! Maybe I'm a bad driver????
WHAT is this?
Today we came home from bible study and I was throwing something in the trash and happened to find a CHUNK of hair. I looked at Mali and asked her what it was. She matter-of-factly informed me that it was her hair. And from where??? Mali pointed out to me the left side of her head where she had cut, but I couldn't really tell. What I was most shocked about was 1. I didn't even notice 2. I have NO idea when she did this. Oh the memories! I'm just thankful it has taken her 5 years to figure out that she can cut her hair!
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Sisters
Here is a video of our recent sister interactions! Eleri seems to be fighting back and lets Mali know when she doesn't like something. I think we have two equally strong willed girls on our hands! However, I am really enjoying watching them play together!
Friends
We have amazing friends!!! God has blessed me throughout my life with wonderful, godly friends to encourage me, sharpen me, spur me on, love on me, and just have fun with me! While Eric ventured to Mexico for 24 hours, we ventured to Lubbock for 24 hours. We hadn't met Baby Grant Dallas yet! So there was definitely an excuse for our visit! We were blessed to stay with Angie and Graham Hill and Jackson. Angie and I were college roommates. Jackson is 3 and is just so cute. He is so well spoken and smart and adorable. Much to my surprise, Angie is expecting their second baby in April! We had fun talking and watching our big kids play together. We were also there to help Beth while Tim worked some. It was a little bit of a crazy household with 6 kids among us, but we got some visiting in and the kids didn't fight at all! I was able to help Beth with the craziness of getting the big kids to school, at least I hope I helped! We got to visit with Melissa and Mailey too while Zach and Calyn were at pre-k. Beth took Grant to the hospital for the weight check clinic and we got some good visiting time in while we wrangled the four kids between us! Then we all met for lunch. We ate at McCallister's with 11 kids among us (one was in utero). An employee actually stopped by to tell us how well mannered our kids were! It must have been a good day!:) However, I'm sure they weren't so thrilled with our kids once we left and they had to clean up all of Eleri's puffs and the remnants of oozing jelly from 5 pb&j sandwiches! It was a fun trip!
Here comes the bride
On Sunday October 4, 2009, Kisha got married in Playa del Carmen, Mexico. Eric was able (barely) to make the wedding! They got married at an adults only resort, so since I'm still nursing Eleri, the girls and I stayed behind. It was a fast and furious trip for Eric, and rather frustrating at times, but he made it and enjoyed it! Kisha looks beautiful in the pictures! Congrats to them on their marriage!
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